Nostalgia

Since Halloween is but a bump in the road to Christmas for retailers (the local Kmart I am forced to run to occasionally already has decorations for sale in Seasonal), I got thinking about holidays. More specifically, It's a Wonderful Life, starring Jimmy Stewart.

His family and tour through happier times keeps him from offing himself. I can't identify with this at all. It occurred to me today while talking to Cat about scheduling for time off that holidays are now meaningless to me. The only family I have to celebrate with, other than being an walk-on at friends' celebrations, is Cat, my in-laws, and my sister. And if you think for a second that I am not one to get all emotional and sappy about holidays, Sis could be an extra in a movie about robots NOT discovering their humanity.

My in-laws (Cat's sister and mommy) are religious people. And I have no qualms whatsoever about spending time with them. They take the time to make family time/holidays special, even if it is small and quiet. Sis and I, when we were outcasts and alone on the East Coast, just drove up and down River Road in Pennsylvania and ate at Chinese restaurants (only places guaranteed to be open). I would rather work and make double-time.

But most importantly, I was trying to remember back to a time for which I would be nostalgic. The 90's? Hmm...Dad came out, I came out, had psychotic girlfriends, had a few dissociative moments myself, my mom killed herself. Stopped seeing my dad around the middle of them, which is a positive thing, but not something to get all squishy inside about. Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails would pretty much be the theme song.

The 80's? Reaganomics took its toll on our little family. My parents, being conservative Catholics, were a one-income family, which spelled disaster in 1982-1983. Ever see an FBI agent heat his house with a fireplace and a kerosene heater? Going to sleep with your coat on and your Dad works for the government in a professional, need-a-college-degree-type job? Very sad. Even sadder is culturally what we were forced to wear and do to our hair. Crispy bangs anyone? What am I going to get nostalgic over? Billy Ocean songs? The Cories? Maybe The Goonies, but I really have to be high and in a mood. God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols or maybe We're a Happy Family by the Ramones (if we're feeling perky) would be appropriate mood music.

The 70's? I can't really say I remember it very much. The only thing I really remember is how easy it was to put on my red courdoroy bell-bottoms with my shoes already on. And the hostages being released from the Embassy in Iran. Again, nothing to get squishy about.

Does this mean I want to off myself? No, that's not it at all. Do I hold out some kind of crazy hope that an angel or messenger from some imaginary friend in the sky will come and change my mind about how ridiculous everything seems? Of course not.

I watch people get excited about football, baseball, music, holidays, family, Jebus and the Big Daddy, beer, sex, and all kinds of preposterous things and I can't help but think: My word, was Jean-Paul Sartre just in it for the cigarettes, fast cars, and paychecks?

What keeps people going? Children, I suppose, would give me something to get excited about. I like my dog. I like talking to my sister and having Cat in my life. So I would have to say that yes, love does make my world go round. Love is a vacation from fear: of loneliness, death, isolation.

I don't have to celebrate this on Christmas or Valentine's Day or Thanksgiving. I tell everyone important to me everyday that I love them or demonstrate it in some way. Every day is a holiday with them around. Think about what would happen if they were gone tomorrow, and it isn't hard.

Theme songs for these happy daily occurences:

Cat = I've Been Waiting for You by the Pixies (Neil Young cover)
Sis = My Sister by Juliana Hatfield
All the rest of the homies = Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode