Tony Dungy: Family Man, Winning Superbowl Coach, Bigot

Skip over this post if inflammatory anti-Christian rhetoric offends your senses, and you think writing bigotry into law is a good idea solving an actual problem.

Tony Dungy, by most accounts, "is a nice guy." Quiet, always sharply dressed, seemingly more reflective and reserved and skinny than most ex-football players that become coaches or commentators. He's very likable. Tragedy befell him in 2005 when his son James took his own life. I was cleaning out the freezer the day after I heard the news, and I found a container of Edy's special Colts Ice Cream (we're not crazy Colts fans--Cat has an addiction to ice cream and it was on sale). On the back was Mr. Dungy and his many progeny, including James, touting his work with All Pro Dads, a Christian "Focus on the Family" associated organization.

I am usually pretty emotionless when it comes to other people's problems, especially celebs, but Mr. Dungy struck me as an example of everything good about Christianity. Kind, compassionate, caring: taking what appeared to be a deep and genuine interest in the upbringing of his children. His son was so overwhelmed with depression (I myself have suffered from crushing bouts of depression on and off since I was 10) that he ended it all, and this caring man was powerless to save him. I didn't cry, but I certainly got very misty at that moment. Tragic.

After the news I heard today, I have many words for Mr. Dungy, but these are the first three words that come to mind: F*ck you, Jack.

But on the other hand, thank you. As an American, thank you for speaking your piece. Thank you for doing something you care about, and taking the time to actually do something instead just sitting around bitching about it.

But back to what really bothers me:

F*ck you and your "family values" bullsh*t.
F*ck you for reinforcing every negative stereotype I have about jocks, Hoosiers, and people who tout their "Christianity" and belief in God.
F*ck you for cherry picking your verses out of the Bible you bacon-eating, shrimp-devouring, face-shaving, poly-blend wearing, walkin' free hypocrite.
F*ck you for backing the bigots, especially when that inerrant Word of God in the Bible says that the US was wrong when Emancipation was instituted.
F*ck you for only having a brain that understands football plays, not the memory of what it means to have the world living all over you while trying to raise your family.
F*ck you and the SJR-7 toting hillbillies that want to make sure we all know that you are not interested in our kind, even if we are ER nurses or mechanical engineers. We get the hint and will be packing it up to a state without institutionalized bigotry written into its constitution before the ink on our degrees dry.

What cloud I think these people live in is that all homosexuals are the same: Into sport-f*cking every piece of *ss that drifts their way and getting AIDS and molesting small children.
If you are someone who is ready to give up the brainwashing, consider the following:

Even 100 years ago, children died all the time. They died in childhood from things that are merely an uncomfortable rash nowadays, like chicken pox and scarlet fever. Most of this country was agrarian (that means people made their living by farming). There was not all the fancy farm equipment available to make the farm work. Large families were needed to farm the land. And when the Bible was written, clan elders saw the value in having multiple progeny as this meant a larger clan in which to beat other clans into submission, and ensure survival of your clan. Life was short, hard, and brutish. You couldn't do that if you were eating things that might kill you, like unrefrigerated pork or lobster. And you couldn't do that if you were getting syphilis from getting intimate with the sheep. You also were doing the tribe no favors by creating webbed-finger children by sleeping with a close relative. Nor were you creating harmony and goodwill within the tribe by sleeping with your brother's wife.

Now for the homos: if you have Joseph shacking up with Peter, or Sarah shacking up with Ruth, how are you going to make babies for the tribe? Especially since you hide in caves at solar eclipses and have almost complete ignorance on a cellular level of what actually is involved in human reproduction?

Well, thank you science for making artificial insemination possible. Now us gay folks who are family-inclined can contribute to the clan. Everyone knows Cat's mom (who goes to Bible Study, btw) realizes the fallibility of anti-gay legislation and is excited and happy to welcome her first grandchild.
Thank you science for demonstrating that most child molesters are married, educated, employed, religious men.

Sound like anyone you know?

For every negative stereotype of gay people, there is one for the straight world:
You don't like the promiscuous? Get frat boys into reparation therapy to stop sport-f*cking chicks on Spring Break.
Want to preserve the "sanctity of marriage?" Get everyone to go through what Cat and I did to preserve some control over each others lives: Spend $3000 to plan your wills, incorporate as a dual proprietorship (over domestic matters), make sure everything is spelled out in your living will (and that you are each other's medical power of attorney), go through the 5-6 week process of legally changing your last names. Then drop $7000 on what most people won't even call a wedding, but quaintly "a commitment ceremony." Spend another extra couple thousand here adopting the other person's biological child so you can pick them up from the daycare or make medical decisions in the event your partner was in the same car wreck as the child. And don't expect any tax breaks for promoting a stable loving family. Carry all your paperwork with you at all times. Hope like hell your loved ones' condition doesn't critically deteriorate while the ER waits to hear back from the Legal Department regarding the validity of your papers before you can see your partner/make a crucial medical decision. How many people would be getting married for 55 hours then?
Want to promote harmonious family life? Spend a little more brain power judging the temperament of whom you choose to spend your life with rather than falling for the facade of a "god-fearing" man or woman and memorizing Bible verses. Roles are facades masking our imperfections. Face up to them honestly, accept them, and work around them. You will be much happier in the long run, rather than trying to outrun it with some superstitious conflicting hoodoo written 2000 years ago by members of a desert-wandering tribe.